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What The Bible Really Said?

A well-meaning Christian stopped me on Yonge Street while I was on my way to the library.

“Do you know what The Bible really said?” she asked.

“Nothing,”  I said. “The Bible can’t talk.”

She did not laugh and walked away.

How come God’s sense of humor did not make it into religion?  He has such a great sense of humor, a tremendous sense of humor!   Yet so many religious people take it all so seriously. Laughing in church, when I was a kid, meant you would go to Hell.  Of course, not being able to laugh made me giggle all the more.  I usually stopped giggling when my Sunday School teacher glared at me.

How do I know God has a great sense of humor?  He created human beings.

If The Bible could talk, then it should say, “Live!  Love!  Laugh!”

Adam and Eve

“If you use our real names in your blog, then I’ll . . . ”

The speaker was Adam.  That’s not his real name.  Adam is married to Eve.  That’s not her real name.  I have known Adam and Eve since they were kicked out of The Garden.

Adam and Eve have often invited me to their place for dinner.  I have avoided going because I get into my hermit mode and do not socialize.  So it’s nothing against Adam and Eve when I turn down their dinner invitations.

This past Wednesday I had a business appointment with Adam.  Adam offered to drive me back to the library after our appointment, but needed to stop briefly by his house on the way.

“Would you like to come in and say hello to Eve?” asked Adam when we stopped at his house.

“Sure,” I said.

I had no plans to stay, but once inside Adam and Eve and I started talking.  What a wonderful conversation!  It lasted through dinner and afterward. We talked about life, death, God and religion.  What else would you talk about around Adam and Eve?  I would have missed this delightful evening if Adam did not have to stop at his home.

Adam and Eve are kind and generous.  All who know them are blessed.  Even God regrets kicking them out of The Garden.  I am grateful for their friendship.

LETTERS FROM CANCER CARE ONTARIO

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Cancer Care Ontario, a provincial governmental agency, keeps sending me letters telling me that I should have a Fecal Occult Blood Test (FOBT) because I could have colon cancer and not know it.

A Fecal Occult Blood Test?  Sounds like something involving shit and the supernatural.

Are the letters The Universe’s way of trying to tell me something, or are these letters simply another governmental agency trying to justify its existence?

True, I could have colon cancer and not know it.  I could have stomach cancer, and not know it.  I could have liver cancer, and not know it.  I could have lung cancer, and not know it.  And I could have silent voices in my head, and not know it.  I feel okay.  I know that.

Perhaps one day I will go see Harry Potter for that fecal occult test, but for now I won’t worry about all the coulds.  I have mentioned before that I stay healthy by keeping away from doctors.

I appreciate Cancer Care Ontario’s concern, but my body came with an expiry date.  Neither Cancer Care Ontario nor any doctor can do anything to change that date.  They think they can, but they can’t.  Anonymous once said,

 “The difference between God and doctors is that God knows that he is not a doctor.”

SOME GOD QUESTIONS FROM MY YOUTH

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I have had these questions about God since my youth.  I use “he” for God for the sake of simplicity.  If there is a God, then God is beyond gender, human understanding and any descriptions in any holy book.

If God is everywhere, then where can he go where he is not?  How can he go anywhere when he is everywhere?  They say that Jesus is coming back.  From where?  Where did he go?

Why would a God who loves unconditionally create Hell?   How can God not be in Hell since he is everywhere?

If God is supreme, all-powerful and invincible, then how can he lose battles to Satan?

If God is supreme, all-powerful and invincible, then how can humans do anything that affects him?

If God is, then how can there be anything else?

SOME CHILDHOOD THOUGHTS ON RELGION

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God was an old balding man with a long white hair and a long white beard.  He wore a long white gown.

“Wasn’t God young once?” I asked my Sunday School teacher.  “Wasn’t there a time when he wasn’t bald and didn’t have white hair?”

My Sunday School teacher said, “God always was, and always will be.”

I concluded that God was born old and balding with long white hair and a long white beard.  That is what made God different from the rest of us.

One of the deals I tried making with God was, “God, if you give me powers to fly, then I promise I will be good.”  Even though God never gave me powers to fly, I still felt guilty when I was bad.    I reasoned that my bad behavior was justified because God did not keep up his end of the deal.  Still, I felt guilty about being bad.

I could never understand the Holy Trinity.  I understood God.  I understood Jesus.   I did not understand the Holy Spirit.    Adults were always saying, “Two is company and three is a crowd.”    Why did we need the Holy Spirit?   My Sunday School teacher gave me an explanation about God being three people.  I found it confusing because a spirit isn’t a person.  Besides, why would God want to be three different people?  Wasn’t he happy just being God?

So, why this blog on some of my childhood thoughts on religion?  Earlier today I said, “God, if you give me an idea for a blog, then I promise I’ll be good.”  Now I have to keep up my end of the deal.

MY RATIONAL CONSERVATIVE FRIEND’S BELIEFS

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I cannot mention enough how my conservative friend’s reasoning fascinates me.  Like all of us humans, he will find a way to twist logic to keep his beliefs.

 

On God:

There is no God.  There can’t be a God because God does not exist.  How can there be a God when God does not exist?

 

Life:

Life on Earth happened by accident.  It was not created by God because there is no God.

Earth is the only planet in the entire Universe that has life.  Life does not exist anywhere else because it only exists on Earth.

 

Aliens and Flying Saucers:

There are no such things as aliens and flying saucers.  How can there be aliens when Earth is the only planet that has life?  And since there are no aliens, then there can be no flying saucers.

 

Corporations:

Corporations are good for the economy.  They create jobs and make money honestly.  On a rare occasion you may get an accountant cooking the books.  That is an isolated incident.  It hardly happens.   The liberal media make big deals out of minor corporate accounting errors because the media is run by communists who hate capitalism.  They are always trying to make capitalism look bad.

 

Unions:

Unions have too much power and are run by communists trying to bring down capitalism.

 

Conservatism:

Conservatives are good.  Everything conservatives do is good.  Liberals and communists are evil.   Everything they do is evil.  This world would be a better place if it wasn’t for liberals and communists ruining things.

 

By the way, my capitalist, conservative friend refuses to buy newspapers.  “They cost too much money,” he says.  He frequents coffee shops and libraries where he can get the newspapers free.

He also benefits from Canada’s socialist free healthcare system with his occasional visits to the doctor and hospital.

And finally he struggled for several years to get into the actor’s union so he could make more money on movie sets.

He says that the above behaviors do not go against his beliefs.  Why?  “Because they don’t,” he says.  End of story.

I DON’T KNOW, BUT I BELIEVE . . .

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Some devout Christians worried that with Dominic cremated, he would not have a body when Jesus returned and raised the dead.

I don’t know, but I believe that Jesus is not coming back.  Why?  How can God who is everywhere go somewhere where God is not?  And then God returns to where God already is?  But let’s say that Jesus did come back.  How can God who created everything get stuck because Dominic burned up his body?  Can you hear God saying, “I’m sorry Dominic, but my hands are tied.  I want to raise you from the dead, but you burned up your body.”?

If Christians have everlasting life by believing in Jesus, then how can they die?  Why would Jesus need  bring them back from the dead when they live forever?

I did not say any of this to the concerned Christians who worried about Dominic not having a dead body for Jesus to bring back to life.

I stopped following organized religion a long time ago because it made no sense to me.  I don’t know, but I believe that God has nothing to do with organized religion; that organized religion is the result of human misinterpretation.  I don’t know, but that’s what I believe.

IS JESUS COMING?

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A woman I know is religious.  She keeps trying to save me.  She told me that I will go to Hell unless I accept Jesus as my Saviour.

“I have an asbestos suit ready for the occasion,” I said.

“You shouldn’t joke about this.  Jesus is coming back soon,” she said.

“Really?  Coming back from where?”

“Uh-er Heaven.”

“Is that so?  And where is Heaven?”

“Above, in the sky.”

“So it’s separate from where we are now?”

“Yes.”

“And, God is in Heaven?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  Will you agree with me that God is everywhere?”

“Yes.”

“If God is everywhere, then how can Heaven not be everywhere?”

“Uh-I don’t know.”

“If God is everywhere, then how can he or she–”

“It’s he,” she said interrupting.  “God is a man.”

“Okay.  If God is everywhere, then how can he go away?  Where is he going to go to that isn’t everywhere?  And how can he come back when he is always everywhere?”

“Uh-er-I don’t know,” she said. “Satan is using you to try to confuse me and make me lose my faith.  You’re going to burn in Hell for that!”

She stormed off—much to Satan’s relief.  He’s a busy being.  He has better things to do than to spend time getting me to ask Christians questions.

IF I WAS GOD . . .

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If I wasn’t an imaginary number, then I would like to be God.  As God, I would save the Earth by getting rid of human beings.  I would not cause a flood or create any other disasters.  I am not sure how, but I would make thinking mandatory.  If people had to think, then the stress would kill them.

After all human beings thought themselves to death, I would create another edition of human beings.  Currently, human beings are God’s first edition from a first draft.  Using my rough notes, I would create a second or perhaps third drafts of human beings and newer editions.  I would keep at it until human beings were perfect.  Instead of being a liability to Earth, they would be an asset.

God laughed at my plan and said, “All things are possible except making human beings perfect.  Good Luck!”

CHILDHOOD THOUGHTS ON GOD

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When I was a kid, I wondered what God’s last name was.  Everyone I knew had a last name.  What was God’s last name?  I never thought to ask my Sunday School teacher, or the minister.  It was something I thought about now and again.

I finally figured out God’s last name: Christ.  Jesus was God’s son, and his last name was Christ.  How could a son have a different last name than his father?  If Christ was Jesus’ last name, then it must be God’s too.

God Christ.  It sounds awkward.  It does not flow off your tongue.  I understand why God just goes by his first name.