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Impossible!

Please be advised on Thursday July 27 between 2-3pm the noise level may be louder than normal due to a children’s program.

 

The library staff posted that sign at the entrance to the Northern District Library today.

The Northern District Library would not be the Northern District Library if it wasn’t for screaming children.  Something is wrong when there aren’t children screaming.  The Toddler Union rules do not allow a child to scream for more than 10 minutes.  As soon as a child reaches the ten-minute limit of screaming, another child starts.  And so it goes.

The sounds of screaming children blends with the cell-phone conversations, people laughing and talking, and more cell phone conversations, and more people laughing and talking.  I keep looking for ear plugs, or muffs, that block out noise completely.  No luck so far.

So now they say that on Thursday the noise level may be “louder than normal”?  Impossible! The noise level at the Northern District Library cannot get any louder.  But I could be wrong.  I will find out Thursday.

“WE’RE GONNA SAVE YOU MONEY!”

A friend’s only modern technology is a landline, with voice mail, from Bell Canada, a television set that uses an antenna, a DVD and VHS player, and some AM/FM radios.  That’s it!  No computer.  No Internet.  No cell phone.  No cable or satellite television.  Also, he does not have an e-mail address.

Every several months he gets calls from Bell Canada.  “We’d like to upgrade your package and save you money!” the caller says.  It’s always the same line, but from different callers.  He does not mind the calls because he is waiting for someone from Bell to answer his final question.

He said that he explains how he does not have a computer, cell phone, and no e-mail address.  He also says that his tv is free because he has an antenna on his roof and gets twenty to thirty channels.  “Still,” he said, “the person will go on and on about Bell’s various packages and how they will save me money with Internet, cell phone and satellite tv.”

He said that a phone call from Bell will go like this near the end:

“Your packages range from $200.00 to $300.00?”

“Yes,” says the Bell person, “but our three-month introductory prices are cheaper.”

“But the regular price, after the three-months is over, is between $200.00 to $300.00.”

“Yes.”

(Here is his final question.)

“My regular telephone bill is between $40.00 to $60.00 per month depending upon long distance calls.  How am I going to save money by paying $200.00 to $300.00, per month, for one of your packages?”

Silence.

He told me, “No one has ever answered my final question.  And after the brief uneasy silence, they thank me for my time and hang up.”

I AM NOT SMARTER THAN PIXIE

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My flip phone was starting to flip out.  Sometimes the keypad had a mind of its own.  In spite of the teasing from my friends, who could not believe I still had a flip phone, I was planning to buy another flip phone.  But the smart phone I saw on sale was cheaper than the flip phone I was going to buy.  So I bought an Alcatel One Touch Pixi 3 on the last day of the sale.  I decided to call my smart phone Pixie.

It took me four days to learn how to answer Pixie.  I kept pressing the green handset icon, when I should have dragged it.  I still have not figured out how to set the alarm, how to program contacts, or how to make toast using Pixie.

I like how merchandisers try to make you think that you are getting more than what you paid for.  I once bought a hair dryer.  On the box was, HAS A THREE-POSITION SWITCH.  Wow, a three-position switch!  One of the positions was Off, and the other two were High and Low.

Look what was on the cell phone box:

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Getting Started Guide – Could they have made this guide any smaller?  Luckily I had a microscope to read it.

Handset – Handset?  That’s the cell phone.  Wow!  I bought a cell phone and the box it comes in includes the cell phone!  Telus is not like the other companies that sell cell phones in empty boxes.

SIM Card – A Telus employee told me that I could use the SIM card from my flip phone and transfer all my contact information to the smart phone.  My SIM card did not fit Pixie.  Why aren’t SIM cards a standard size like USB flash drives?

Rechargeable Battery – Wow, again!  I bought a cell phone and it comes with a battery!  Is it possible to buy a cell phone without a battery?

AC Adapter and Micro USB Cable – The AC adapter is a power plug, and the Micro USB cable is the wire you plug into the power plug and the phone to charge the battery.  The same cable is also used to download data from the phone to the computer and versa vice. (Versa vice is vice versa vice versa.)   One cable performs two functions, but it seems that the box has an extra cable.

What the box did not include, and should have, was a headset for hands-free talking.  I had to buy a headset when I realized that Handset, listed on the box, was not a Headset.  Hmmm . . .

 

 

YOU’RE DOING WHAT?

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I saw a man in a public washroom, this morning, at a urinal while talking on his cell phone.  It’s a good thing he had two hands because he had his cell phone to his ear with one hand.  The other hand — well you get the picture.

Later in the day, I was in another public washroom.  A man in a stall was sitting and doing a word that sounds like sitting while talking on his cell phone.  What is going on?

This was the first time I have seen men talking on their cell phones while in a washroom, and it happened twice in the same day.    How important are their lives that they can’t take a few minutes to go to the bathroom, and then babble on their cell phones once finished?

People I spoke to about it told me that they see it all the time?  They said that it’s a common occurrence.  Really?  Is this use of technology going to far?

FAT FUCK SECURITY GUARD SAVES THE DAY

My name for this security guard shows that I think the world of him.

Fat Fuck patrols the building that houses the North York Central Library, retail outlets, offices, and a food court.  People use the food court when the library closes.  Fat Fuck climaxes when he orders library people out of the food court when the food court is closing.

No one aspires to be a security guard.  People aspire to be police officers and become security guards when, for some reason, they cannot be police officers.

Why can’t Fat Fuck be a police officer?  Is he too fat?  Police departments have rigorous physical tests that applicants must pass.  Is he too white?  Police departments also have racial quotas — although they would never admit it.

Fat Fuck will go out of his way to look for crimes against humanity.  What crimes against humanity?  Besides being at a table in a closed food court,  Fat Fuck hunts down people who have their computers and cell phones plugged into food-court outlets.  According to Fat Fuck, using the plugs is against food-court rules.  Fat Fuck is the only security guard who enforces this rule.  The other security guards do not seem to care, and have walked by people with their devices plugged in.

The other day a student plugged her cell phone into a food-court plug.  She was at a table near the plug, but nothing linked her, or anyone, to the cell phone plugged into the wall.

It was about an about an hour before Fat Fuck rolled by.  Fat Fuck erupted!

“Whose phone is this?” he shouted.  “Whose phone is this?  Whoever it is better unplug it right NOW!”  And then shouting even louder, “THEY BETTER UNPLUG IT RIGHT NOW!  RIGHT NOW, I SAY, RIGHT NOW!”

Fat Fuck’s theatrics made the food court walls and floor think that they were experiencing an earthquake.  The poor, fear-frozen student did not know what to do.  She sat shaking for a bit before she suddenly she ran to the outlet to unplug her phone, but she had difficulty doing so because she was trembling.  All the while Fat Fuck glared down at her.

She finally unplugged her phone and fled to her table.  Fat Fuck rolled off into the sunset satisfied that he had made the world a better place.

A PROPHET WITHOUT HONOR

I have no credibility with my family.  Is it because I live in my right brain?   Who knows?   I will say things that my family will dismiss, often with ridicule, but later accept what I said as long as my words come from someone else.

Many years ago my sister had problems after drinking milk.  I suggested soy milk and that it was good for her.

“Soy milk?  Yuck!  Don’t be stupid!”

She said this without trying soy milk.

A little while later my sister’s doctor recommended that she drink soy milk.  She did and felt better.

“Soy milk is good for you,” she said to me.

“I told you that before,”  I said.

“I’m just telling you what my doctor told me,”  said my sister.  “I feel better drinking it.”

 

My brother and sisters wanted to sell our parents’ house as is.  I suggested that a paint job and minor plumbing repairs would get us a better price.

“No,” they said.  “We’re not going to put any money into the house.  Whoever buys it can fix it up.”

I secretly spoke to the real estate agent and explained that they would listen if she made the suggestions.  She did.

“The real estate agent said that we could get a better price if we painted and fixed the leaking taps,” they told me.

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“Yeah well we’re just telling you what the real estate agent told us,” they said.

 

About a year ago I suggested to  my brother that he use text messaging and get e-mails sent to his cell phone.  He is a musician and relies on e-mail for gigs.

“No, no, no, ” he said.  “I don’t need e-mails and that crap on my cell phone.  I can see e-mails when I check my computer.  My cell phone is for emergencies only.  I don’t need to get the Internet.

Recently someone told my brother to get  a Smart Phone.   Now he receives e-mails and text messages and the Internet.  I see it as a sign of my spiritual advancement that I say nothing every time he talks at me, and goes on and on and on about the wonders of his Smart Phone.

“And I don’t have to wait to check my computer at home to see my e-mails,”  he says.  “I can answer e-mails about gigs much quicker blah, blah, blah . . .”

 

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