THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
“You’re up and down like a goddamn toilet seat!”
Those were my father’s words. He was giving me a psychological assessment when I was a child. The word bipolar was not in his vocabulary. I would be enthusiastic about something and then suddenly lose my enthusiasm. He did his best to keep up with me. He would share my enthusiasm for something, and then be confused when I suddenly no longer felt enthusiastic.
I have never been diagnosed as bipolar, but I know I am capricious, mercurial, temperamental, unpredictable, etc. To paraphrase my good friend Ralphie Emerson: I speak strongly what thinks, and I will speak strongly what tomorrow thinks even though it contradicts today’s words. I have avoided relationships because I love coming and going when I please, and I don’t want to worry about how my capriciousness affects my partner.
Why am you telling you this? Yesterday morning a mood struck me like lightning, and it is still with me. I started thinking about my nomadic existence and my lack of money. Just as I was about to feel depressed, I felt joy flow through me and I heard a voice say, “This is it! This is as good as it gets! This is the best moment of your life!”
Wow! I could not hold back my enthusiasm. I felt great! I repeated, “This is it! This is as good as it gets! This is the best moment of my life!” No matter what irritations happened to me yesterday, I did not get upset. I felt joy and I kept thinking, “This is it! This is as good as it gets! This is the best moment in my life!”
How long will this joy last given that I am “up and down like a goddamn toilet seat”? I don’t know. The joy is still with me today. So far, so good. (I have heard that a man said this after jumping off a tall building. As he passed each floor he said, “So far, so good.”)
For now, and now is all there is, “This is it! This is as good as it gets! This is the best moment of my life!”