Thank God I don’t have to go to church!  What a boring time I had every Sunday at Davenport-Perth United Church.  Sunday school wasn’t bad.  I looked forward to it.  I got to sit beside Laurie Vavaida!  Besides the bliss of sitting beside Laurie Vavaida, the only other thing I remember about Sunday school was learning Psalm 23.  “The Lord is my shepherd,  I shall not want—except at Christmastime.  Then I want everything!”  I think that’s how it goes.

I was too shy to tell Laurie Vavaida that I loved her.  I just glowed every Sunday sitting beside her in Sunday school.

Church destroyed any glow I had after sitting beside Laurie Vavaida.

Sit down.  Stand up.  Sing a hymn.  Bla bla bla.  Sit down.  Stand up.  Sing a hymn.  Bla bla bla.   Sit down.  Stand up.  Sing a hymn.  Bla bla bla.  Then the time came when we had to sit down for a long time while the minister talked and talked and talked.  I knew the end was near after the minister stopped talking and passed the collection plate.  I always wanted to take money out, but didn’t because I knew God was watching.  After collection, it was one more sit down, stand up, sing a hymn, bla bla bla.  And then?  And then out the door!

And church was always too hot.  It did not matter what the season, church was too hot.  Why did they keep it so hot?  Isn’t church supposed to remind you of Heaven and not the other place?

I had to go to church after Sunday school because Mommy and Daddy made me and my brother and sisters go.  Mommy and Daddy only went to church at Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving.  They never went on Sundays.  Why would the parents of four children want to be alone in the house every Sunday morning for several hours?

“When you get older,” said my father, “then you can decide whether you want to go to church.”

Now I am older.  No more boring church!

Will not attending church mean that I will go to that other place when I die?  Perhaps, but it doesn’t matter.  Whether I go to Heaven or that other place, I will see someone I know.  Unfamiliar places are always easier to be in when you see people you know.  Wherever I go, after I die, maybe I’ll get to sit beside Laurie Vavaida forever and ever.  Amen.



About Gary Johnston

I am an imaginary number -- a symbol used to count and measure. As Senior Imaginary Number at Einstein Equations Incorporated, I facilitate the calculation of the impossible.

Posted on December 6, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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