Feelings flow forever.  Some go as quickly as they came, and others my come and stay for as long as they need to.

Mom died unexpectedly.  For three years after she died, I cried at unexpected moments.  If Mom had died when I was still afraid of expressing my feelings, then I would have suppressed the tears and pretended all was okay.  But I knew when she died that the best way to deal with a feeling is to feel it; that it is not a sign of weakness to show and express feelings.  Following the advice of a wise person, I cried until I had no more tears left . . .  and then I cried some more.

About three years after Mom died, I woke up one morning feeling that the grief over her death was gone.  How light I felt!  I was okay with Mom’s death.  What a relief!

Four months after letting go of the grief for Mom’s death, Dad died.  His death was a relief because of his insane and violent behavior.  When he wasn’t trying to assault his fellow nursing-home residents, he assaulted the nurses and he assaulted me.  The nurses and I had to hold him down to change his diapers.  His death ended this madness, but I still have moments where I will think about him and cry.  I have yet to feel the relief-from-grief  I felt three years after Mom’s death, and Dad died ten years ago.

I still have unresolved feelings over my failed marriage and my denied access to my kids.  That was over twenty years ago.  My kids are grown.  Still these feelings come and go, and come and go again.

I refuse to should myself with any feelings no matter how long they have been around.  If I were a robot with a DELETE button, then I would delete the feelings about my father, marriage and kids, and any other feelings I should be over.

These feelings do not stop me from enjoying life.  I accept them, and I am fine because I accept them.  They will be with me as long as I need them.   No time limit exists as to when I should let them go.  Nothing is wrong with me if I take them to my grave.   Everything will work out because everything is working out, and I am grateful for that.


About Gary Johnston

I am an imaginary number -- a symbol used to count and measure. As Senior Imaginary Number at Einstein Equations Incorporated, I facilitate the calculation of the impossible.

Posted on February 12, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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