Monthly Archives: January 2014
I sit at the keyboard and start typing whatever comes into my head. I won’t stop. Where do the words come from? Who knows? Where will theses words take me? Who knows?
This is why I fear writing. This why I avoid writing. I worry first whether the words will come, and secondly where the words will take me. I do not want to go to the dark places inside me. I do not want to face my vulnerability. I must not go there. I must appear strong and invincible in this world that ridicules feelings and the people who express them.
Go to hell, world! I must write! In spite of my fear, I must write! I will go where the words take me! There is nothing wrong with me because I am afraid. There is nothing wrong with me because I am super sensitive and need to express my feelings. I have the courage to proceed in spite of my fear.
I allow fear and self-doubt to stop me from writing. Of course I would have never admitted that before. I found superficial excuses for not writing: no time, too busy, too tired, and not in the mood. Superficial excuses helped me to avoid facing the truth. Not writing helped to fuel my low self-esteem. I am not comfortable unless I am finding ways to hate myself, and see myself as unworthy.
“You’re just a piece of horse shit we scraped off the road!”
My father’s words. He is dead, but I still hear his words. He used to enjoy repeating these words at every social gathering. He always spoke loud enough so everyone could hear. He only felt good about himself when he was running someone else down. It never mattered who that someone else was.
“Yeah, a horse shit on the road. We went outside, scraped it up and brought it inside. It turned out to be you. We felt sorry for you so we kept you.” Then he would laugh.
He never tired of repeating these words. This was his way of telling me how much he loved me. He could not say, “I love you.” He had to say it indirectly with insults and jokes. He, too, was sensitive, but he learned to survive by suppressing his sensitivity. He replaced his sensitivity with a tough-guy persona. Nothing bothers Mr. Tough Guy. Mr. Tough Guy never cries or shows his feelings. He is strong. He sucks it up.
Wow! Look where these words took me.