Monthly Archives: March 2012

MY CONSTANT COMPANION

Suicide.  It’s always around me.  When things are going well, Suicide stays in the background.  It’s barely visible. I forget it exists.  But when I get knocked down,  there’s Suicide offering me a way to get out so I don’t have to get back up.  But I get back up.  Suicide moves away.  It never leaves me.  It’s always there waiting and watching; watching and waiting.

I was ten the first time I attempted suicide.  My father had yelled at me for something I did not do.  And then he went out.  I put on my pyjamas,  took ten Aspirin and sat in his special chair waiting to die.  He returned a short time later while I was still in his chair waiting for death.  My brother and sisters told him what I had done.  He calmly explained to me that ten Aspirin could damage  my stomach, but that Aspirin would not kill me.   I did not fear dying, but feared the pain of living with a damaged stomach.   He helped me to vomit, and accepted my plea not to take me to a doctor.   How shameful I felt over my failed attempt!

My Constant Companion remained in the background during my teens.  I moved away from my parents when I was in my early twenties.  I felt my life was meaningless.  Suicide told me to keep a sharp knife in the bathroom in case I wanted to slash my wrists.  I could bleed to death in the bathtub so I would not make a mess.   I kept the knife in the bathroom cabinet.  Oh how I hated myself for not having the courage to use it!

Many years passed.  Life went on.  Things went well.  I thought Suicide had finally left.  Then I got knocked down, and there was Suicide offering me a way out.

I wanted to kill myself, but I did not want to get hurt.  Slashing my wrists would be too painful.   Blowing my brains out would be quick and painless, but I had no access to a gun.  I had access to some pills, but  how could I be sure that they would work.  I did not want to suffer the humiliation of another  failed suicide attempt.

While I was contemplating the quickest and painless  method of suicide, I was trying to buy healthy foods with the little money I had.  I wanted to be healthy.   How’s that for absurdity?  I am thinking about killing myself, yet trying to eat nutritional foods and stay healthy!  The Human Spirit always seeks to survive.

I got back up with the help of some friends — some kind and generous friends.  Suicide slithered into the background watching and waiting; waiting and watching.

My friends see me as  happy.   They tell me that I have quite a sense of humor.  I’m always laughing and joking.  That is how I act around them.  They don’t know that the laughing and joking is to cover my shyness.  They don’t know that a deep, dark  dark brooding  goes on when I am alone.  How shocked they would be if I killed myself.  How shocked they would be.

On the surface a smile,

while

Suicidal thoughts lurk below.

Advertisements