Monthly Archives: March 2012
Suicide. It’s always around me. When things are going well, Suicide stays in the background. It’s barely visible. I forget it exists. But when I get knocked down, there’s Suicide offering me a way to get out so I don’t have to get back up. But I get back up. Suicide moves away. It never leaves me. It’s always there waiting and watching; watching and waiting.
I was ten the first time I attempted suicide. My father had yelled at me for something I did not do. And then he went out. I put on my pyjamas, took ten Aspirin and sat in his special chair waiting to die. He returned a short time later while I was still in his chair waiting for death. My brother and sisters told him what I had done. He calmly explained to me that ten Aspirin could damage my stomach, but that Aspirin would not kill me. I did not fear dying, but feared the pain of living with a damaged stomach. He helped me to vomit, and accepted my plea not to take me to a doctor. How shameful I felt over my failed attempt!
My Constant Companion remained in the background during my teens. I moved away from my parents when I was in my early twenties. I felt my life was meaningless. Suicide told me to keep a sharp knife in the bathroom in case I wanted to slash my wrists. I could bleed to death in the bathtub so I would not make a mess. I kept the knife in the bathroom cabinet. Oh how I hated myself for not having the courage to use it!
Many years passed. Life went on. Things went well. I thought Suicide had finally left. Then I got knocked down, and there was Suicide offering me a way out.
I wanted to kill myself, but I did not want to get hurt. Slashing my wrists would be too painful. Blowing my brains out would be quick and painless, but I had no access to a gun. I had access to some pills, but how could I be sure that they would work. I did not want to suffer the humiliation of another failed suicide attempt.
While I was contemplating the quickest and painless method of suicide, I was trying to buy healthy foods with the little money I had. I wanted to be healthy. How’s that for absurdity? I am thinking about killing myself, yet trying to eat nutritional foods and stay healthy! The Human Spirit always seeks to survive.
I got back up with the help of some friends — some kind and generous friends. Suicide slithered into the background watching and waiting; waiting and watching.
My friends see me as happy. They tell me that I have quite a sense of humor. I’m always laughing and joking. That is how I act around them. They don’t know that the laughing and joking is to cover my shyness. They don’t know that a deep, dark dark brooding goes on when I am alone. How shocked they would be if I killed myself. How shocked they would be.
On the surface a smile,
Suicidal thoughts lurk below.